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How should Christians have sex?
Recently there was an opinion piece in the New York Times wherein the author, Katelyn Beaty, told a vulnerable story about the downsides of the purity movement that was big a couple decades ago.
Tactfully, Louis Philips at Ravi Zacharias International Ministries penned a response saying she’d thrown the baby out with the bathwater and testified to the movement’s many successes, too.
More importantly, he drew out the main point that we should not only know, but share with our kids and peers and churches.
And given that sexuality is perhaps the defining issue of this generation, it bears reflecting on. Today I don’t just want to share the Biblical perspective, but a couple pointers for dialogue. Let me begin with a quick summary of those two articles.
Beaty’s main point is that the purity movement was harmful and dangerous – in part because she never learned of appropriate consent -- and the collapse of the movement “left a void” for those looking for guidance with regard to their intimate lives. In it she’s vulnerable both to share her failures and her unfulfilled hopes as she waits imperfectly for Mr. Right.
Appropriately and gently, Philips’ response was that there was a point of failure in the purity movement – that embedded therein was the false assumption that “marriage was the goal and, if you could just wait until marriage, then it would all work out.” And it over promised that “a one night pledge at an event would guarantee our happiness.”
So what should we do? Well, open our Bibles, for one. We’ve got to own that before we can talk to someone. Here are the two passages that Philips shared, the first from Ephesians 5, the second from Revelation 19.
I’m just going to read these straight through, so let me set it up in advance. Ephesians 5 is part of Paul’s exhortation to that church about how they (and we!) should live relationally, and Revelation 19 is describing John’s vision of the celebration in heaven that we will one day experience.
15 Pay careful attention, then, to how you live—not as unwise people but as wise—16 making the most of the time,,e because the days are evil. 17 So don’t be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18 And don’t get drunk with wine, which leads to reckless living, but be filled by the Spirit: 19 speaking to one another in psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing and making music with your heart to the Lord, 20 giving thanks always for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another in the fear of Christ.
22 Wives, submit,m to your husbands as to the Lord, 23 because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. 27 He did this to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. 28 In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, 30 since we are members of his body. 31 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.,w 32 This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:13-31, CSB)
6 Then I heard something like the voice of a vast multitude, like the sound of cascading waters, and like the rumbling of loud thunder, saying,
Hallelujah, because our Lord God, the Almighty, reigns!
7 Let us be glad, rejoice, and give him glory,
because the marriage of the Lamb has come,
and his bride has prepared herself.
8 She was given fine linen to wear, bright and pure.For the fine linen represents the righteous acts of the saints. (Revelation 19:6-8, CSB)
I hope those bring the issue into Biblical clarity, but let me put the cookies on the bottom shelf.
Marriage isn’t for our happiness, it’s for our holiness. And that’s because our end goal is God’s glory. It’s defined by God, not us. Our chief end, is His glory and to enjoy Him forever. So if that is the model of relationship that He has designed, modeled after his own relational, trinitarian love nature, marriage here on earth certainly has the potential to be an awesome foreshadow of what we’re really made for.
But here’s the big BUT…every person is fully and wholly made in God’s image. In a way that I cannot explain, we are no more AND no less fully made in His image if we are or are not married. His grand design does include pro-creativity as part of our role to co-rule with Him on earth, but it does not require said pro-creativity. Every single believer who has trusted the person and work of Jesus will be part of that Revelation 19 celebration.
So how do we talk about this?
The first point is a question that we can use: If there is a God who created the entirety of the cosmos, including us, do you think He might have anything to say about how it does or doesn’t work?
That may bring up how we know God. But don’t you think that same Creator of all could choose how He communicates with us? That’s Jesus and the Bible. Even Christians need to be reminded of this. Who gets to be God?
Second, every person on the planet is called to purity.
God wants and needs us to be pure because nothing impure can enter His presence. The truth is that we’re all called to be holy like Jesus and have His grace to cover us when we’re not. Which is some pretty good news if you’ve trusted Him for that.
Here’s the kicker. This is both inside and outside of marriage. Marriage between one man and one woman isn’t my rules, it’s God’s design, including the only appropriate place for sex.
If you’re not married, celibacy and trusting Jesus is the game, no matter who you are or what your proclivities might be.
And if you are marriage, purity and trusting Jesus is the game. Because more than likely the both of you are sinners (that’s funny, right there!). And relationship, including relationship sexually, isn’t likely to be perfect. Even if you have perfect moments, it won’t always be. Because there is no such thing this side of heaven. AND because you’re broken sexually along with everything else, you will be tempted to wander, at least in terms of your eyes and mind.
So, Jesus and sex?
Let me conclude with Philip’s closing paragraph because he said it better than I would:
“Biblical purity has much less to do with our ability to pursue an altruistic moral discipline and everything to do with Christ’s ability to atone for all our mistakes, shame, and pasts. Only until we view purity this way will we freely live in a manner that honors God with our sexuality, because that is the goal both in singleness and marriage. The challenges in obeying God’s plan for sex will be outweighed by our devotion to his glory as we increase our delight in and obedience to Him. God is Lord over everything, including our sex lives, married or not…and that was the heart of the purity movement in the first place.”
Again, those talking points:
Who gets to be God? And if He does, what did He say about sex? And two, we’re all called to purity whether married or not.
What’s the answer? And like most every other time, it’s the simple Sunday-school answer: Jesus!
I love you.
ForTheHope is a daily audio Bible + apologetics podcast and blog. We’ve got a passion for just keepin’ it real, having conversations like normal people, and living out the love of Jesus better every single day.
Roger Courville, CSP is a globally-recognized expert in digitally-extended communication and connection, an award-winning speaker, award-winning author, and a passionately bad guitarist. Follow him on Twitter -- @RogerCourville and @JoinForTheHope – or his blog: www.forthehope.org.
Sources and resources:
[1] David S. Dockery, ed., Holman Bible Handbook (Nashville, TN: Holman Bible Publishers, 1992), 751.